A Case of Absolute Shit

Have you let it all out, and then feel like complete shit afterwards?

I feel like complete shit.

One of my best friends has been bothering me with an attitude I would label as ''selfish''. The only thing is that she honestly doesn't do it on purpose. At least, that is what I believe. I really love her with all my heart, but sometimes when I'm with her, I want to hold her still and tell her solemnly, "Can you stop thinking about yourself for a moment?"

The fact that she does it unconsciously makes me bear this taciturn resentment. Things that happen with her would keep me awake at night, and I would toss and turn, imagining different scenarios were I can tell her off. I never do it. I'm not into confrontations. And, the fact is, I'm not a patient person. If I start with a confrontation nicely, it usually doesn't end that way. So, I nursed this little demon of annoyance inside me until tonight where I attacked her completely over a miniscule disagreement.

I feel horrible, because this is not at all how I imagined I would finally talk to her about her conduct. I never meant to hurt her feelings so completely. I never meant to, but things never really happen the way you want them to in life, do they?

She apologized to me, but the problem is that she doesn't see what I'm exactly mad at her about. It's so exasperating I want to cry. I wish I can videotape her, and then show her the tape, pausing at places to show her and tell her that I'm not a complete bitch that likes to pick fights over nothing at all. She doesn't see herself like I see her.

I think she's beautiful. I think she's creative. I think she's arrogant. I think she's incredibly funny. I think she's insecure. I think she's selfish.

But, God, why can't she understand what I'm talking about? Communication is the most important thing in relationships, aren't they? I guess, in a way, I understand why she doesn't get it. Today, I was told I am an attention whore. It came to me as such a shock. I never thought of myself as someone who likes to hold the center stage. But I am. It's difficult to swallow, but true. I guess...I guess some things need time to sink in. I want her to understand her own shortcomings so that she becomes a better person. God, that sounds so ridiculous, but it's true. It's what I feel.

And it's not only that. Her selfishness is really eating into the affection I feel for her. I love her x 1,000,000,00 but this might be the thing that really finishes our friendship. I don't want it to end. I just want her to pause every once in awhile and think about what others might be feeling. I want her to realize that she is not the only person that matters in the world.

So, now I feel like complete shit.

I told her she was selfish.

I have what I wanted.

Are things going to change? If so, for better or for worse?