Crash, goes my sky.
I hate this. Sometimes, I'm so frustrated I want to tear my hair out and cry. I wish I never discovered the joys of writing. Where's the future in it? Where is the fucking future in Ambition? Even, if by some obscure chance, I finish this novel, who would publish it? It's about a cold, avaricious bitch who goes to extreme means to obtain the crown of some made up country in some made up time period. It's just so stupid. No one would want to read it just by that summary, and certainly no publisher would be interested.
I should stop wasting my time with Ambition and start a new, sensible historical fiction. But I'm so close to completing it. I can see a glimmer of the finishline off in the horizon. If I don't finish it, I would be wasting two fucking years of material. Two years of staying up nights, tossing and turning while structuring the story inside my mind. Two years of continuous typing, competing in a race against time. Two years of tears and frustration and writer's blocks. Do I just want to throw that away and start afresh?
This story is sucking out my energy. It's clouding my mind like a drug, stopping me from concentrating on anything else. There's a life past writing, you know? There's a life without worries and writer's blocks and Ambition.
Now, I'm starting to think that even after the labor of writing is over, I'll be faced with nothing but bleak failure. I'm just a fucking failure at everything. I can't even write that well. Everything I write is just dreadful. There are people out there with true talent. How the hell am I supposed to compete against them?
I want talent. Is there a pill to take? A God to pray to? Tell me because I think I'm going to go insane. I'm pouring my soul into this book with no comfort to patch the void. Everything I believe in is contructed of paper. All the characters, the setting, the plot...all ink on paper. They're not true. They're just my imagination. Why do I bother with them? They're...nothing.
My work is crap, all of it. All of it is fucking crap! Astrophel, Amantius, Callistus...Just get the fuck out of my mind. I hate you. I hate all of you. You're not real. You're just wisps of my overactive imagination.
God..god...god, why do you torture me like this? Death is better than this delirium of pain. You give me thoughts, but no talent. You give me words, but no poetry. You give me lips, but no voice.
I'm insignificant, small, and worthless. Why should I have such an unquenchable desire for success if the reality is that I'll never achieve it?
Ambition should burn in hell for being the leech that slowly sucks away my life. In the end, I'll be nothing but a empty shell with the pages of my novel scattered around me, inked with failure.
"Look," they'll say, pointing, "there's the girl who put everything in her work, and was wrecked by her own Ambition."
posted by Thy Queen at 5:30 PM
4 Comments:
You are a good writer.
I am serious. If I thought you were an okay writer, or that you had 'nice' stories, I would tell you something else.
But you are a good writer. And don't ever doubt yourself.
You won Buisness Education Roundtable. As a freshman. The other winner was a senior. A senior, Maria. You beat out so many other people. Other writers who worked hard. But you did better. You are better than Cecelia. Better than Zoe.
You one of the top two writers out there. That is why you won. You won because you already have talent. You are truly gifted, and you love it. Writing is your joy, Maria. Don't ever doubt yourself, because you deserve to have gotten this far.
And about Ambition. Personally, I like it. It would seem kind of a waste in not fullfilling it after you worked so hard. And I know that you really enjoyed working on it at times as much as you were stressed out working on it. And personally, I think that Ambition is good. And it must make you feel so good that after all that hard work you have come so far.
But if you really aren't passionate about it as you first were, I don't know if the end will turn out as good as the beginning. Look at many books that are like that. The author is wonderful in th beginning and middle, and towards the end, everything goes kaput. It's not that it was bad, it's just that it wasn't as passionate as it was before.
Maybe you should wait to finish Ambition if you don't feel passionate about it. I'm not saying quit, you shouldn't quit. You have worked way too long and hard to quit. But if you need to, take a little break from writing Ambition to do something else, untill you feel that passionate about it again.
But if you really feel passionate, if you really feel like you want to, need to do this, then do it.
Because you are a good writer, Maria, and Ambition is good. Ambition was good because you were good, and passionate. I remember you being excited, and I remember you being excited about people reading it, and what they thought. You need to feel that to continue on with the story, or else one day, you will look back and be dissapointed.
So take a little break, if that is really what you need.
7:06 PM
Everything Peggah said.
You have an incredible amount of talent. You really astound me with your work sometimes. I love everything you write, and I'm usually extremely picky about peer writing. But you... I'm not going to say you're perfect, but you're definitely amazing.
Honestly, take a break from writing. At least a week. Two weeks, tops. I know you have a deadline, but you should extend it. You need a break. After all, it's your own damn deadline, and you can make it or break it however you like.
Never delete your story. There is so much there, and your story is so intricate and fascinating, I might have to do something crazyhomicidal if you delete it! Dun dun duuuunnnnnnnnnnnn!
Love ya, darling. Don't make yourself crazy.
8:45 PM
It's funny what you find out about others when you have the time to go blog-browsing.
Funny, and depressing.
10:14 PM
I love that anonymous person.
The fact that random people read your blog must make you feel so popular and loved and interesting. Which you are.
Don't ever forget that.
9:39 PM
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